This week has been a busy one. We have had at least one of us sick for the last two weeks and this week was no exception. I have been working on getting Halloween costumes finished and making more kids coats.

(Just a small thought; I was going for "Tales From the Dark side" look for my title pic. Just in case anyone wanted to know :-) )
I have written about being discouraged with the progress of my shop. It's nice to know that others love my work as much as I do. When I received the following email I was elated.

Hi!

I just had to write you a note to let you know-EVERYONE loves my daughter's coat! My daughter has gotten so many compliments that if I had a dollar for everyone-I could buy TWO more coats. We were out at the Haunted Forest today and it took two and half hours to get through an hour event because everyone kept stopping us to ask about the coat. Thanks for making my daughter a fashionista!

Karen (HopesSillyMom)

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I honestly think time is different for kids than parents. According to Einstein time is relative to our speed. Am I speeding up or slowing down? Last week I was having a pity party and now I look around and Halloween is almost here, our Christmas lights go up next week and we were at Disneyland 10 months ago!

I have mush to report I don't want to use my bullet points but they may have to come out. Let's see how far I get.
I am finally making some sales. I knew that the great photos and my kids coats would do well this year. Unfortunately the boutique that had great initial interest in my work turned me down because of market saturation. I understand that to be because of their lactation to Walmart and Kohls they do not think that kids coats and dresses will sell. It's no big deal but I was excited about trying something new.

I am currently working on a Halloween quilt for my family. I am almost done and will post pictures and a pattern soon. I am not a quilter, I just love to sew and now that the new T.v season has begun I find myself away from the sewing room. There is something soothing and safe about hand stitching, knowing that I am able to still create with out electricity.

Halloween orders are in, at least from my kids. I am to make two Jedi Knight outfits ( for Michael and Gabe), a witch cloak with a pointy hood for Bekah), and a cool costume for Ti. I will not divulge the plan for Ti's you will just have to wait.

I have decided not to hold back on my thoughts and feelings as I have in the past. If you think that I was already uncensored we will see how it goes. Just two things left.

SGU is a lot like BSG. But I like how there is still a connection to people on Earth. Scifi TV is better in General this year than in the past. I like that they have taken the time on good story lines and effects.

Kendra a shout out to you. You got your vacation! Several Time this past year. Now how about that girl's weekend. I am not asking you to pay.

I am going now to figure out how to decorate my porch for the fall, sew some cute coats, and possibly sing at the top of my lungs.

I was so melodramatic when I wrote the last post. Women with PMS should not be allowed to post.
I need to clear up a few things:

1. As I read over my last post I think my wording was off. I have not lost a great friend I just feel the relationship slipping. We see each other at family functions and that is it. If you know the Balmanno clan you know that family functions are not conducive to one on one time. In fact sometimes it seems like there is a jostling for position with the kids, parents, grandparents and now two dogs.
2. I understand that I build things up in my mind and sometimes what grows is not a true version of what really happens.
3. I also know that no one has time anymore. I have a little more time that I used to. But the pressure is on for me to have a clean house, clean kids with good grades, volunteer at school, train for my new calling, and (now that I am taking orders) sewing for the holiday season. So when I try to make plans weeks in advance it's so no one's schedule is bothered.
4. I love this friend deeply. My sister-from-another-mother (SFAM) has supported me and listened to the diarrhea mouth I sometimes have when it comes to my complaints. The comfort that I used to feel is not there anymore. Maybe our lives have diverged too much.
5. These are the reasons I wrote what I felt. Even if they were wrong or just my perception. Like I stated in #3; there just doesn't seem to be time for me to talk to my SFAM and so all of this stewed inside me.

I do feel sorry that I may have caused problems. I just want to clear the air.

Have you ever been bruised down to your core? An insidious pain that tends to eat at you, not hate but a clearly defined disappointment? One morning you realize that you were not good enough or that a friendship has died, this kind of hurt. I began to feel this way about a close friend six months ago. I am not sure why this happened nor am I totally blaming this person. I can be rough around the edges, judgmental and easy to to take offense. Who isn't?

I felt punched in the gut almost like the unwritten, unspoken music of our friendship was somehow not translating. One of us is listening to something else. Many times in my life I have had friendships come and wane. I have had mere acquaintances become confidants and I have hurt some making the break mutual. The cold shoulder of a friend so close has never rocked me so hard. I have tried praying, supplicating my thoughts to the Lord only to feel afterward that I need to give it time. Yet, I need to know why. How can I work this out when I can't get a clear answer from someone I may have hurt? Of course I feel that I am to blame. This is my MO, I see someone drifting from me and I scan all of the things I remember doing that may have caused the rift.

I am sure that the picture is different for my (ex)friend. It may not be me. No matter the reason the separation happened I need to stitch myself back together. I have to find out who I am without that shoulder to lean on. This plan sounds good and sound and yet I still am confronted with the uncertainty weekly. Comments hurt a little more and others feel forced. A person so close to my small circle that if I were to totally cut ties I would hurt others I care deeply about.
24 weeks of torturing myself wondering what I need to do. Sometimes I think I should confront this person, make my feelings known, letting out the emotions held prisoner inside me. I have shared how I feel with a few sometimes in waves of grief at a friendship now almost gone.

How do you measure this kind of friendship? The melodic serendipity that once was is now a strained smile here or there. So I learned to be careful. I cried in private, pleading with my heart not to care so much. Cris wanting to help but not understanding the connection became frustrated with me. Feeling alone for the first time, becoming distant and crabby to those I love the most. Feeling rejected with every unanswered invitation or forgotten activity. Then the darkness set in, and I drowned.

To surface again a few weeks later accepting that we had drifted apart and knowing that if I ever brought up the pain they would never see from my eyes how things had changed. Continuing to pray everyday that I would again find my happiness. I poured myself into the things I loved; my family, my craft, and the Lord. I am not fully whole I deal with the feelings of contempt rise inside me. I could become bitter and hurt this former friend. What would that accomplish? Now I know that this friendship does not determine my over all happiness.

As I write this I look back at the events in the past six months and realize that as I beat my self up about these things I just care more for any connection I make then others might think. For the first time I don't care how others perceive my quirkiness. I will carry on a little bruised but much more careful.

About a month ago I was a little discouraged about my shop and sewing in general. I love to sew and I am very crafty. At that time I felt the burden that most small business owners feel when nothing is coming in. I as any loving wife went to my husband. I told him about feeling inadequate, feeling as if my worth right now was determined by how my contributions to the family weighed compared to just my presence in the home.
This is a struggle for every modern woman. We are constantly told as girls we can do what we want. We can go as far and high as we set our minds to. And if that dream is to be home and raise your kids on your terms then that dream is attainable. Yet as women we undermine each other, with out thinking. Many have talked about the working mother vs. Stay at home mommery, or the single gal vs. married gal. Mothers like vegetables come in various shapes. I have been home with the kids for about 8 years now. My last out-of -the -house job was when I was pregnant with my second. Entering the work force actually scares me just a little bit.
After a decade and a year I have all my kids in school, neighborhood/family kids are not present at my home and we are with out a dog. It is me and my glorious, lonesome self during the day. I have achieved the goal I set out for upon marriage; to be a SAHM.
After many years wiping snot off the back of a coach, changing diapers, and snapping snaps I have found that I have this dream. A beautiful one that has been congealing in my mind for many years.
If I filmed this idea I would be using a softening filter on the lens, with beautiful music that starts instrumentally and would crescendo into rock music (preferably in the Radio Head vein), may be even some slow motion slightly blurred shots.
The dream to own and design my own children's clothing line. No, I have not gone to school for this. Yes, I am terrible with figures and will need help soon. No, I don't know everything about sewing and am still learning. No, there is no money to support this dream. I have been told my talent is there, that I am growing with my craft and to wait. Yet sometimes I do feel that others around me are inpatient with me. ( well manicured hand patting me on my head. Followed by a, "there there little girl.") They are ready for me to move on and get a "real" job. I suppose that is what you do when your kids grow and you find yourself cutting back on things. There are a myriad of excuses for why I should go out into the work force or to stay home. Then there is the other aspect of things. I do believe that there is some path that I am supposed to fulfill. Motherhood falls within this path. But I do feel there is part of that path that is equal to motherhood. I know that I have written about this before.
I have chosen to continue to work at this dream. The question is will I be taken as seriously in my wants and possible career choices as my husband and his choices?
Well after all of this I get to the reason for my post. After our conversation my husband told me this, "You sew because you love it. That is why you do it, get back to doing something you enjoy and don't worry about bringing in anything". We all do things because we love. So the dream is not dead just not so grandiose as previously formed in my mind. Grandiose is the wrong word, the grandeur of this picture in my mind is good and perfect. I think the better word is immediate.I will get there, and the path will be covered in moss and sometimes skunk weed will block my path. Who knows maybe I will even find sequins sparkling the way to my.....
The picture needs to bleed to slow motion so every detail can be seen. As an obscure, ethereal indie rock song plays and we go to the expected credits we just find
"To be continued" stitched onto the screen in the Harrington font.

Recently I have been asked by friends and some boutiques for a brochure so they have a better idea of what I make. So when I talked to Aaron (the photographer) about it he sent me all the photos from the photo shoot. Here is the 1st draft of the brochure. Tell me what you think.